


I want to help you breathe easier

by Trash_Planet (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel, Cas has PTSD, Castiel's Wings, Comforting Dean, Coming Out, Depressed Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Fallen Angels, Honestly this is a cluster fuck, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Pride Parades, Stop Hurting Cas 2k16, Suicidal Castiel, Suicide Attempt, Will add tags as the story progresses, angel lore, fallen!cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:23:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Trash_Planet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the fifth time that Dean had awoken to the sound of Castiel crying out because of a nightmare. Unable to ignore it he hits the books in the library and he refuses to let up on the research until he is certain that Cas is getting better<br/>(Dean's POV With maybe a Dash of Cas')<br/>(I'm so sorry for all the fallen!Cas fics but I'm re-watching SPN and I love him so much)</p><p>This will likely be a long story</p><p>This was heavily inspired by The Care and Handling of Angels by fanfic814! I highly suggest you read it.</p><p>Because of me and my co-writers schedule there might not be a ton of chapters up quickly</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was the fifth time that I had awoken to the sound of Castiel crying out because of a nightmare. It hurt me that I could never help him. When we first brought him back to the bunker after I made the mistake of kicking him out he barely looked at me. When he did all I saw were hurt in his once bright blue eyes.I don't think he will ever trust me quiet as much as he used to. I groaned and pulled on some clothes as I headed to the library determined to try and find away to ease his nightmares . Creeping down the hallways, the stone cold tile floor making my uncovered feet hurt ever so slightly. I finally get to my destination and flick the lights on, temporarily blinding me. Running a hand through my sandy hair I think about where to start. Sam had left his laptop plugged in here but I doubt that it will hold any information on angels, the internet is quiet useless for that kind of stuff.Shifting through the bookshelves I finally pull out three heavy,dusty books and set them on the solid oak table. Pulling out a clean notebook that Sammy had stashed and a packet of pens I get to work researching. 

_Angels are often seen in groups of two or three. An alone Angel's mental and physical health may decrease if they're cut off from other Angels for extended periods of time, causing them to become depressed or restless._

I mad a mental note as well as a physical one to make sure Cas' wasn't experiencing this. I knew he slept a lot but I thought that was just to make up for the sleep he misses when he wakes up screaming at night, they were always worse at night.

_As well as depressed and restless, an angel who is cut from their Garrison may become more "Jumpy" and Panicked. Angels often feel safer when they are in groups. To make sure the angel in your care doesn't become anxious put down flowers or herbs around them, the smell will help them relax as it reminds them of their home. Try Jasmine, Roses or Lilacs. Certain colours also may make the angel feel more at home. Though it is different of each angel once finding the colour you can help them feel even more at home ___

__By the time I have stopped reading and writing it is early morning. Checking my watch to make sure the shops would have opened in the nearest town I head to the town to buy the required flowers and paint and anything else I think will help him feel better._ _

I parked Baby and headed into the bunker with two big tubs of every colour they had in stock to paint Cas' bedroom and a few other things I thought might help Him. Marching past Sammy with my arms full of bags that were going to rip at any moment I go and put them down on the library table. I know Sam is in the doorway pulling a confused face. "So, what's all this?" I hear him say 

"I just thought that Cas may want to make his room a bit more... _His ___

that's all" I shrug. Suddenly my stomach growls and I remember that it was nearly Eleven and I hadn't had anything to eat yet. I walk past my brother and go to the kitchen where I see Cas nursing a coffee.

"Hey, Buddy" I smile at him as I crack a few eggs into a frying pan

"Hello, Dean" He doesn't return my smile

"I got you a few things Cas" I through some toast into the toaster as I talk.

"You didn't have to do that Dean" he takes a sip of his drink

"Yeah well I wanted too" sit across from him as I eat my plate of late breakfast. I study his features silently as I chew until I catch the smirk that Sammy is giving me. When did he walk in? I clear my throat and scoop up the last of my eggs and dump the dirty plates in the sink. "Jerk" Sam smirks at me again

"Bitch" I reply And walk toward the library. Grabbing the bags of stuff I bought for Cas I take it to his room, Knocking on his door I take the mumble that I hear from inside as an invite to come in.

"Hey Cas" I put the stuff down on his table. "Right buddy it's time we kit you out with some of your own stuff". Cas Crawls out from under the mountain of pillows and duvets and comes over to me. It looks like a lot of effort.

I hand him five plain shirts I got for $5 each and continue rummaging through the bag.

"Why would I need these? I have already got shirts Dean" He looks at the faded "Guns and Roses" Shirt that I gave him when he first fell about ten days ago

"Do you want it back?" He quints and frowns and I shake my head at him.

"No Cas, You can keep that shirt" He looks relieved but then he frowns again as he takes the sleeve and chews on it- a new habit he has picked up

"Are you sure Dean?" he mumbles past the shirt

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure" I smile as his eyes light up 

"I got you this" I hand him a cross on a necklace on beads.

"I can knock a nail in so we can hang it over your bed or something if you want" I offer but instead he takes the necklace and hangs it around his neck

"Is this okay, Dean?" 

"Sure, if that's what you wanna do"

I pull out a few paint brushes an hand one to Cas. 

"I didn't know which colour you'd like so I got all of them" I mumble I don't know why I'm embarrassed. He looks a long moment and finally decides to use all of the colours. 

When we both finish decorating the room we flop onto the bed next to each other panting. Cas has flecks of different coloured paint on his face and he is grinning like mad as he looks up at the ceiling. He couldn't decide on one colour so we made it look like the night sky. I chuckle To myself 

"I should get you some glow in the dark stars" I cut the silence.

"That would be nice Dean" he smiles at me. After a while I see he has fallen asleep curled into my side. I look at my watch and realise that it is quarter to four in the morning. I feel bad for moving in case he has a nightmare but my legs seem to move on their own accord and I take out a new blanket that I brought the day before for him and lay it over him softly. 

"Goodnight, Buddy" I whisper as I leave the door open slightly


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning I make breakfast for me and Cas, Sam had already gone out to see about a case and look at some lore so it was just me and Cas today. I put the coffee on and soon after a bleary eyed Cas wanders out of his room, nearly walking into the door in his half awake state.

"Hey" I open the Can of food I have out. He just mumbles and sits down in his usual spot. I grab him a cup from one of the cupboards and fill it with the rich liquid.

"Th'nks" He mumbles and takes a drink but pulls it away as he winces at the heat of the brew. 

"Careful there Cas, it's hot" I smile

"Yes I realise that now" his voice is gravelly with sleep and his hair is all over the place.I hate to admit it to myself but my heart swooned. I busy myself with breakfast to avoid thinking about how cute he looks. No, I find small animals cute, doesn't mean I am attracted to small animals... Right? we eat our breakfast in silence and he declares that he is going to watch some T.V, giving me some time to head to the library to do more research. 

_Be careful with giving angels medication Though most drugs will not do much to an angel a Fallen Angel or a weakened angel can become addicted to things easily thus causing them to do damage to themselves ___

I copied down the text and drew a bubble around it. The last thing I want is Cas to become a Junkie like 2014 Cas. 

_When an Angel is content or feels safe they may sleep, even if it is not needed. Fallen Angels or weakened angels may forget that they need to eat,sleep and bathe so a gentle reminder may be needed. ___

__Cas had just eaten which was good though admittedly it wasn't a lot but at least it was a step in the right direction. I look through some more books until I hear a scream that triggers my hunting instincts._ _

__"DEAN!" it's Castiel. I pull a hidden gun from one of the drawers in the Library And run to the living room where I see his knees pulled up tight to his chest and tears spilling down his cheeks. I lower my gun as I see no threat and find the remote and turn off the show he was watching._ _

__"Cas?" I sit beside him and put my gun on the table._ _

__"What's up, buddy?" I wrap my arm around him and he seems to melt into my side._ _

__"It's okay Cas" I pull him closer as his shakes even out. "I'm here if you want to talk about it" As soon as those words left my lips I instantly regret them as Cas bursts into a new round of tears._ _

__"D-Dean, we b-both know that I d-don't deserve this kindne-ss" He sobs violently_ _

__"Oh Cas," I pull him closer "Yes you do, after all you've done for me and Sam you deserve this and more buddy... It's gonna be okay I swear. Wanna watch some Tele?" I feel his shake his head slightly and I take the remote and put on star wars. We both sit there contently as I faintly hear the sound of keys in a lock but I take no notice to it, Cas needs me here, so I sit with him curled up at my side watching the TV. My attention is turned from the screen as Sammy's head pops round the door._ _

__"Dean?" He looks from me to the ex Angel that is snug against my side clearly asleep_ _

__"Shh, jerk" I whisper and blush as Cas moves Closer. I sit with him a few hours until my legs get numb and I've ran out of anything good to watch.So I get up and head to the library to bring up a few of the books and the notepad and paper. There I sit with his head in my lap and the book on the arm of the chair._ _

When Cas finally wakes up he groans and sits attempts to sit upright. I put my books and stuff onto the floor and sit beside him.

"You okay?" I ask

"My head hurts" He massages it with his right hand and I become aware that his left hand is resting on mine lightly. My first instinct is to pull away but his hand is warm and soft so instead I offer him some water.

"Want some thin' to drink...Or eat?" The knowledge that Cas should be drinking more water and eating more frequently nags at the back of my head.

He shakes his head "No" 

"Okay so how about I do you a deal. I'll get you some pain meds, but you have to drink water with it?" I bargain. 

"Okay". I get up and make my way to the cupboard and take out a few aspirin reminding myself to get the water too.

"There you are buddy" I give him the pills and water and watch as he swallows them down. 

"Y'know I was talking to Sam a few days ago and he said that it might help if you kept a notebook to write stuff down in."

"Like my feelings?" He puts the glass down

"Erm, yeah stuff like that. So how about tomorrow we go out together and get some stuff?"

"Yes Dean, I'd like that" He smiles at me and his eyes soften "I'm going to go to bed now. Will you be okay on your own here?" He looks around and then declares that he will just go to the library for a while. "Well goodnight Cas" I smile as I hear a small 

"Night Dean" and stalk off to my own room


	3. Chapter 3

We spend good half of the day going round the shops. The sky outside was cloudy and it looked like it was going to rain but inside the bookstore was cozy. Cas had been glued to the shop window the minute we crossed the street and dragged me to it. I wasn't mad, it was nice to see him excited for something. After looking around the assortment of books from I set out to find where Cas had stashed himself away. The floor was a shiny,wooden one and it contrasted nicely with the rows of book shelves whose shelves were made from a lighter wood. I finally spot Cas over in a corner of the store with his head buried in a book while a stack of 5 sat beside him. He seemed to have partially sunken into the blue bean-bag he was sitting on.

"Cas?" I feel bad when he jumps and his head shoots up like he has been caught doing something he shouldn't be, like he remembered he was vulnerable momentarily 

"Woah, don't give yourself whiplash" He tilts his head at my reply.

"We still got some stuff to do, Want to head round the shops with me or do you want to stay here?" He looks around at all the people with a worried expression

"I'll go with you Dean" He grabs his stack of books and a few notepads. We walk around the super market together, Cas half leaning half pushing the trolley and my hand on the left hand side near where you put your kids. As we shuffle down the aisle I repeatedly ask him if he wants any food from them. 

"You want any of this?" I look at him as he looks down at the boxes of cereal.

"I don't know what I would like though" His smile fades a bit so I pick a small box of each flavour and but it in the trolley before sending a quick text to Sammy telling him that I hope he feels in the mood for cereal for breakfast for the next month.

By the time we start walking to the car it's pouring it down and we're both soaked. I take a few of the bags and Castiel takes the others that are still in the car and we run back to the bunker trying not to get wetter. I close the door just as it starts to get really heavy and follow Cas to the kitchen to dump the bags down. Cas runs off back down the hall but quickly returns with two towels for our wet hair. I laugh as I take the towel from him and rub it on his head quickly, making it stick up in all directions when I'm done. 

"Cas why don't you get in the shower and In a bit I'll call you down for dinner?" I tell him as I put the shopping away.

"Oh and I almost forgot" I pass him the bag with all of his books and note pads in and return to the chore of putting the bags off shopping away.

"Thank you, Dean" He hugs my middle as I reach up to put cereal away just as Sam walks in. I restrain from Shoving Cas away, it's not like it will stop Sam from seeing what he just saw, or what he thought he saw.

"It's okay Cas, really" I turn around blushing beetroot from the tips of my ears to the bottom on my neck and give him a pat on the back.

"Now get in the shower before you get Hypothermia" I steer his shoulders around and watch as he walks off with his plastic bags of books. Just as I finish putting away all the shopping my little brother walks in with a shit eating grin plastered on his face.

"Don't even start" I growl

"I didn't say anything" he holds his hands up 

"Yeah well don't, you got the wrong idea. He was just hugging me" 

"Sure, okay" I can tell that Sam doesn't believe me but I let it slide since I will never live it down anyway.

"Did you have fun in town?" He grabs a bottled water.

"Yeah it was pretty good. Cas took like 40 years in the library but it's okay y'know because I think he is doing better" I smile as I remember how nice it was to see him smiling again.

After I had a warm shower and dinner is cooked ( I let Cas eat some of his new cereal) me,Sam and Cas are all squashed together on the couch watching The Walking Dead with Cas in-between us both. I see him jump a few times at the jump scares and I faintly wonder if it is okay to watch a horror series while he is struggling with nightmares. I am proven wrong when he knocks on my door in the middle of the night an over sized jumper hugging him tightly.

"C'mon in, Cas" I push myself up wards and sit in a position facing the door.

"D-Dean can I please lie with you?" his voice sounds raw and I make room for him.

"Wanna talk about it?" He climbs in, facing me

"was it the Zombie show we watched?" I feel guilty for going against my better judgement

"No, I just don't really like being alone in the dark" He mumbles which I totally get.

"If you want I can be with you in your room?" I look at him in the eyes. He adopts that look where he thinks he's asking to much. "In fact, Cas you can sleep here for tonight if you want" 

"Thank you, Dean"


	4. Chapter 4

The following week Sam approaches me with the idea to take Cas out on a walk in the near by forest.

"It might clear his head and do him well to be out of the bedroom all the time" He shrugs

"I suppose" It had been a while since Cas had gone out of the bunker so I walk to his room and rap on the wooden door.He quickly opens it.

"Hey, Cas" I step a foot back

"Hello, Dean" he smiles but I can tell it's forced

"Me and Sam were thinking that it would be good for you to get out the bunker" 

"Dean, I-"

"Please Cas, for me" I plead.

"Okay Dean" He goes back in and I follow him He grabs a hoodie and his boots and he follows me to where Sam is waiting. When he sees Cas he grins widely.

"Hey, Cas" He smiles

"Hello, Sam" Sam picks up on the forced smile and shoots me a glance.

The sky is partially clouded over and there is a wind. Cas walks in between me and Sam though he is closer to me. The trail that we follow brings us into the heart of the forest. Here the trees cover any sky we might hope to see. Off in the distance we hear a gun shot a group of people who are hunting pheasants and though it isn't close or particularly loud Cas stiffens. 

"Cas?" I wave my hand in front of his face, his eyes are glazed over and his mouth hangs open slightly. His chest heaths in and out quickly. I try calling him again.

"Cas? Cas! It’s okay. You’re okay." This time he looks at me to Sam and then to everything in front of us. His eyes land on every little thing. I reach up to touch his shoulders but he jerks back like a wild animal, fear clouding his bright eyes. He starts running through the forest back towards the bunker. Me and Sam frantically run after him and after a while he stops and sits on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest tightly and Back against a tree. As me and my brother approach him I see he has his angel blade drawn and he is muttering some words that sound like Enochian.

"Castiel?" I don't think that Cas would hurt me but Cas isn't Cas at the moment so I keep about a meter away from him. His eyes flicker to my brother.

"Sam, I think he wants it to be left alone with me" Sam takes the hint. Once Sam is just a small figure in the distance.

"Cas, you in there?" this time he looks at me. 

"I-I think so" He looks at the angel blade and passes it to me.

"P-please take it away from me Dean, I-I might hurt someone" I pocket it the blade.

"Want to talk about it?" He shakes his head

"It might help buddy" but he shakes his head harder. I faintly see what looks like skeletal wings covering him but I decide that I'm probably just imagining them.

We sit there in silence until it starts to go dark. In the faint light I can see that Cas is shaking slightly and goosebumps litter is arm. 

"C'mon Cas, we gotta go" he sighs and gets up.

"I'm sorry for ruining the walk, it was never my intention" He says, eyes kept on the ground

"Cas listen. You do not have to say sorry for that stuff, you can't control it" I go to put my arm around him but I remember his reaction when I last tried to touch him and pull away. He seems to notice. Coming closer to me he takes the arm I was going to put around him with and gently rests it on his shoulders.

"I am not scared of you Dean. At least not now" He refers to his Breakdown.

When we get in Cas immediately goes to his room and closes the door. I nearly go after him but decide that he probably wants time to get his head straight. 

"Hey" Sam greets me 

"Heya, Sammy" I sigh, I remember the conversation between me and Cas.

"I forced him out the bunker, Sam. He only put himself in that situation because I asked him to" I feel so damn guilty it hurts. 

"You didn't know that would happen Dean" Sam tries but it just makes me angrier at myself

"After all he's been through I should have known!" I seethe. I look up when I hear the ex angel cough. His eyes are a bright blue and guilt ridden

"Hey, Cas" We stand around awkwardly and Sam leaves the room pretty quickly

"I'm sorry did we wake you?" wordlessly he walk over to me and puts his arms around me.

"I'm sorry Dean, I don't want you to feel bad for my...reaction" he mumbles into my chest and I feel my heart clench.

"Cas I told you, you don't have to be sorry" I rub his back.

"I know but..." he trails off.

"C'mon buddy it's late and you've had a tiresome day" I lead him to his room and say goodnight. After I leave his door a jar so I can hear if he has a nightmare I go and gather up the books that still sit in the living room and take them to my room to do more researching. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really Small chapter sorry. I've been ill and my friend's dad wiped a lot of her staved stuff

(CAS' POV)

I get into the room the Winchesters have claimed mine and sit on "My" Bed. All my thoughts are circling my head so fast I feel dizzy. I think back to the woods. How the gunshot sounded in my ears. How I thought back to all the fighting I have witnessed and taken part in. The thick stench of blood fills my nostrils and having to fight down the urge to through up brings me out of my flash back. Suddenly the room is too large. Something will get me. I know logically that the bunker is well warded against everything but the logical part of my brain doesn't seem to be working. My vessel's lungs burn for breath and I have to remind myself that I need to breathe. I.Am.Human. I gulp in as much air as I can but my lungs still ache. I back myself into "My" Closet and sit in the dark with my back against the wall. It's safe. I am safe. Nobody can get me in here because there is only enough room in here for me but still my head feels thick and my lungs are still burning like the hottest forest fire. My worst memories which I buried and tried to forget come to light. Leviathans, breaking the wall in Sam's head and of course making my siblings fall from heaven to name a few. I rake my nails up and down my arms until the thoughts stop and I am back in the dark. There I fall asleep in the pitch black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter talks about Self harm so please be careful

I'm woken early the next day by the crashing of pot and pans. I groan and get dressed ready to face what ever my brother or Cas were up to. When I get to the kitchen I see that Cas had tried to make breakfast despite it being half six in the morning 

"Cas?" I rub at my eyes. Reading late was not a good idea when you have an ex angel fumbling round the kitchen early in the morning 

"Hello, Dean" he reaches into the cupboard and I notice as his sleeve falls up his arm a bit and big angry red lines that reach down to just above his wrist greet me. Grabbing the jar he sets back to work not noticing what I saw.

"Cas, what are you making?" I sit down and observe him further. I needed the right moment to ask him about the lines on his arm. I didn't want to scare him off though my first instinct is to sit him down and ask him what the fuck were those marks.

"Oh, just some scrambled eggs and toast" He says offhandedly. I watch him fumble around a bit more and then get up and show him properly how to cook. Just as I'm teaching him how not to touch the gas rings just after you've turned them off and running his hand under the cold water my brother decides to come in. With a wordless smirk he grabs a granola bar and walks back off. God I wish I could tell him that it's not what it looks like but I know he will never buy it.

"So, what's all this then? Did you run out of cereal?" He munches on his breakfast thoughtfully for a minute and then replies

"I want to learn to cook so I can be useful" He takes a bite of toast and suddenly I'm not hungry anymore. Cas thinks he has to be useful to stay here? 

"You don't have to be useful Cas!" Shit, that came out more forceful than I wanted it to. His blue eyes meet mine as his head snaps up from his meal and I immediately feel guilty for shouting at him.

"I mean, Cas you can stay here whether you're useful or not, man" I say, softer time.

"Thank you, Dean" He smiles and I smile back.

"How's your hand?" I point to the one he burnt.

"It doesn't hurt as much as it did" He muses as he looks at the red patch left on his tanned skin. I cough and half of me wishes I don't have to do what I have decided to do next. But I have to. Cas needs me to.

"Cas, I-are you okay?" I try gently. It's out of character of me to do this but character be damned. My brother is out and I am all the fallen angel has right now.

"Yes, why Dean" I notice his eyes do not meet mine

"You're not though" I'm angry that Cas has lied to my face but I would be a liar if I said I have never done that before 

"I-I'm not sure what you mean" He takes the sleeve of an old Shirt I used to wear and chews on it anxiously

"Cas, lift up your sleeve" I speak patently although I feel like I have something stuck in my throat. His eyes dart up to mine and his bright sky blue eyes are clouded with unmistakable fear. He knows I know, I can tell.

"Cas" My worry is taking over now. Slowly he complies. His arms are littered with angry streaks of cuts matching Castiel's finger nails. His head hangs low and I blame myself for not checking up on him yesterday.

"Cas" is all I can say, like I'm a broken record.

"I'm so sorry" I hear as I walk away. I don't want for him to see my cry.


	7. Chapter 7

I march off into the library and find one of the notepads Cas brought a few weeks ago. After I grab it and a pen I set off to find Cas. Luckily he is the first place I think of looking - His room. 

"Buddy?" I knock on the door and enter. Cas is sat on his bed one hand pulling at his hair and the second on nibbling at his t-shirt sleeve. 

"So I found this book out So you can write your feelings or whatever" I sit next to him on the bed.

"Remember, you said you liked it because of the cats on the front" I smile at that memory and slowly pull his hand away from tugging at his hair while rubbing his wrist with my thumb. 

"I remember that Dean" He smiles a little bit. 

"Cas, you can talk to me, okay" 

"I didn't mean to" he blurts out

"I believe I was experiencing a panic attack and it helped...ground me" 

"When did this happen, Cas?" 

"When we got home after my...our walk in the woods" I knew I should have checked on him

"I-I Didn't know what to do, Dean" he sighed

"Cas, You could have come to me. Alright?" I question

"Yes, Dean. I will in future.... Thank you" he smiles slightly.

"Good" I smile and pat his knee as I get up to leave.

"Oh and Cas? I'm sorry for forcing you out yesterday. I don't have the slightest clue what you're going through but it can't be easy" I leave his room at that


	8. Chapter 8

It's been a few weeks since our talk in his room. He seems to be getting a little bit better which soothes the worry that's been building in my chest for the last few months. Right now I'm about to go out on a supply month when the thought passed me. Maybe Cas would want to come with me and get out of the bunker. I walk to his room and knock on the door softly. 

"Come in" I hear Castiel's voice. I walk into his room and sit beside him on the bed.

"Hey buddy, what are you watching?" I peer over to the laptop screen that is on his lap. 

"Oh, erm Jessica Jones" he replies and panic flares back up inside me.

"Cas, you sure you should be watching that?" I try and make sure my voice doesn't sound panicked

"Why? The title looked nice" He protests until his eyes flicker back to the screen where Kilgrave is controlling the protagonist.

"...Oh" He shivers and pulls the blanket around himself tighter. I know he still doesn't forgive himself for what he did to me in that crypt all those years ago while he was being controlled by Naomi even though I do. 

"Hey. Hey, Cas" I wave my hand in front of his face to grab his attention. The main character is left bleeding on the floor and I can see him shaking. He flinches back when he seems my hand in front of his face

"Buddy, I think it's best to stay away from that show, okay?" I ask taking the laptop off of his knees and closing the lid. "Why don't you come for a ride out with me? It's been ages since you've been out and it's unhealthy, 'kay?" he nods 

We drive out to one of the nearest towns. 

"Gotta get some milk and Sammy's rabbit food, okay?" he trails after me around the shop and I think about visiting the drugs store to pick up some anti-depressants. No, I don't think he needs those yet. We spend nearly an hour round the shop because Cas keeps picking stuff up and squinting at it.

"I don't understand, Dean. These lollies look nothing like rockets. So why are they called "Rocket Lollies?" he said, tilting his head. I rolled my eyes but chuckled.

"Leave it, Cas. It doesn't matter" I say as I pick up a pack of beef burgers. We pay for our things and exit the shop I have two bags in my hand and Cas has a small bag of a brand of cereal he picked up. We walk up until we're level with my car on the other side of the street. I look to the right and then to the left just in time to catch Cas' hand as he walks into the road. I grab him just as a car flies past.

"Cas, what the hell man! You can't just walk into the road!"

"'M sorry, Dean" he mutters and I wonder how he's not dead yet.

"C'mon, lets get home" I sigh


	9. Chapter 9

“DEAN!” My voice echoes through the void, darkness engulfing me from every angle. My body trembled with fear, my heart beat racing at one hundred miles an hour. I called his name, but he never came. I could feel things grabbing at my body from above, beside and under me. They surrounded me, and I could not see them. I clutched the angel blade tightly, but made no move to swing it.

“DEAN!” I call out his name once more, and I get the same answer every time. Silence. I could hear them shuffling around, and I could feel their hunger, their desire to strike at my time of weakness. Tears burned in the back of my eyes as I turned around swiftly, pointing my angel blade in front of me.  
“S-STAY AWAY FROM ME!” I shout, the words echoing for a few seconds before silence fell upon me again. I was in no shape to defend myself. I was alone, weak, and desperate. Before I knew it, fright was replaced with pain as I felt a pair of sharp claws dig into my stomach, my breaths cut short. I fell to my knees, scrambling for something, anything, to hold onto. I call out his name, my voice breaking each and every time. I knew I couldn’t reach him unless I screamed louder, and as I screamed it one last time, I heard a growl, and a pair of eyes appeared in front of me. I could see again but suddenly, I wished that it was dark. What stood in front of me was indescribable. The creature was tall and hairy, almost werewolf like, but definitely not a werewolf. He reeled his strong arm back, his long claws glistening with blood. My blood. His arm swung down and-

I shoot up into a sitting position, my eyes wide and sweat pearling along my body. My covers had been kicked to the floor, and I sit on my bed, tears glistening in my eyes as I think of the nightmare. I look around for my angel blade. I couldn’t take the nightmares anymore. The constant waking up sweating, crying, sometimes bleeding from itching at my cuts. The lies, pretending I’m okay, the anxiety, the fear, I couldn’t take it anymore. I slip my legs over the edge of the bed, pushing myself up and off the soft, plush mattress and trudging to the door. I wander through the empty hallways, making sure not to make any noise to make sure Sam and Dean don't wake up. I find my way to the bathroom, opening the mirror cabinet above the sink. Bottles of pills and creams along copious amounts of dental floss sit on the different shelves, and I reach up, grabbing a bottle of the pain killers. I shut the door, my head and heart pounding painfully as I slip back into my room, closing the door behind my frail body. I push on the light switch and the lights flicker on as I sit down on my bed again. The covers remain on the floor and I pop open the bottle of pills, spilling them out onto my bed. I pick one of the small white disks up into my hand, fiddling with it. A tear slipped down my cheek as I bring it up to my lips, placing it on my tongue and swallowing it without water.

Come on Cas, keep going

My brain urges and my tears turn into chocked out sobs as I swallow each pill one by one. My sobs got louder with every pill swallowed, and soon I lay on my bed, clutching the bottle of pills in my right hand, crying allowed. I hear my door open with a creak, but my tears blur my vision.

“Cas? I hear crying and-Cas!” I hear Dean’s voice waft towards me and soon, I hear his footsteps stomp towards my bed. I cough and splutter through each sob, my head pounding harder with each cough. I feel the bottle being pulled out of my hand and through the tears I make out Dean resting the bottle on the night stand.

“Cas! Cas, look at me.” Dean says sternly, but I heard his voice waver as he rests his hand on mine.

“Dean…nightmare… mmm.” I slurr, barely able to make out any words as my vision goes grey and back to normal again.

“Cas, stay with me.” He pleads, wrapping his arms around me and lifting me up into a sitting position. I tilt to the left and Dean steadies me once again.

“Throw them up Cas, throw them up!” He shouts, placing his hands against my stomach and pressing gently. The pressure created a nauseating feeling, but nothing happened. My brain felt fuzzy and I sobbed his name. I could hear someone screaming but it wasn’t Dean, and I wasn’t sure who it was. My body shakes violently as Dean pulls my close, pushing against my stomach even more.

“Don’t leave me, not now Cas, not now!” He screams, his own voice cracking as he continuously pushes against my stomach. I cry out to Dean, my head spinning and my heart beat slowing as I reach out, grabbing onto Dean’s shirt. My eyes stinging from crying, I grip onto his shirt tightly, lurching forward over the bed, dry heaving. He keeps pushing at my stomach as I sob hard and loud, until I finally throw up the dozen pills I’d swallowed earlier. I rolled back onto my bed after a few minutes and Dean pulled me to his chest. I dig my nails onto his back, clutching onto him for dear life.

“Cas… Cas..” He whispers, his tear drops landing on my blue shirt and he holds onto me, not letting me go. He never finished his sentence, he left it at that

"Are you guys alright? I heard crying and screaming" I try to open my eyes with all the effort but to no avail I hear someone in the doorway, probably Sam. Dean is still holding me close and I wince as his voice breaks

"C-Cas tried to kill himself" His voice wavers

"-Oh God! I-is there anything I can do?" Ah, good Sam. Always trying to help in one way or another.

"No, he's sleeping right now but when he's up we're both gonna sit him down and talk to him" I feel Dean move and slowly card his fingers through my sweaty hair. He hugs me tighter like he' scared that if he lets me go I'll fall apart. To be truthful I'm scared I will fall apart. 

"'M Sorry" I mumble. And with that I sink into a dreamless sleep. I welcome it


	10. Chapter 10

I watch Cas all night from the other side of the bed. I watch his steady breaths carefully. What if they stop? I'm so worried. I keep thinking over the last fifteen minutes. How did he get this bad? What would have happened if I didn't find him in time? He nearly slipped through my fingers... again. Flashes of 2014 Cas intrude into my mind and I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hand without realising. What if I can't help him?

Slowly but surely, the sun rises. The world moves on like I hadn't nearly lost my best friend (and maybe something more) the night before. I watch the clock steadily. I hear Sammy wake up and get a cup of tea. The clock reads half six a.m. That's early enough right? With a sigh I shake Castiel awake. It's a shame I have to wake him when that's the first night of proper sleep he's had for months. 

"Cas" I touch his shoulder. His groggy eyes open and find mine. I let out a breath of air I didn't know I was holding. He's really alive.

"Dean" his voice is cracked and sounds raw. I watch him swallow, look around at the room around him and then close his eyes as a silent tear slips down his cheek. I know what he's thinking.

"Cas, Sammy and I really need to speak to you" At that he nods. 

"I'm so sorry" he whispers rawly and I can't help but feel my heart crack.

"'C'mon, Sammy's waiting for us" I get up and reach a hand out to him to help him up out of his bed. Once his fingers are in mine I hold them like a lifeline.

When we get to the library there are three cups of steaming coffee. Sam looks up from his book and his face grows into a mixture of concern and relief. Relief because Cas is alive and concern because of last night. He puts his book down and walks over to Cas.

"Cas, oh Christ, Cas!" He envelopes Castiel into a bear hug and holds onto him tightly. I forget that my brother and Cas are so close sometimes. It just always seems like me and Cas. When my moose of a brother finally lets go of the smaller man his eyes are slightly puffy though I pretend not to notice.

We all sit down. Sammy and I on one side and Cas on the other. He looks so much smaller than he usually does. Maybe it's the lack of trenchcoat and suit or maybe it's the weight loss and baggy shirt hanging off of his back. Either way it scares the hell out of me. Nobody should this powerful should sink so so low. 

"Cas... why?" I ask even though I know the answer. He looks up at me but not quite meeting my eye. He turns to look at the lamp like it's the most interesting thing he's ever seen. His blue eyes are a scarily bright grey. Like they hold some smudge of Grace left. Instead of answering my question he just mumbles;

"You should have left me in Purgatory" It's so quiet that I strain to hear it

"What?" Me and my brother ask at the same time.

"I'm not meant for this world" He sighs "All I do is mess things up time and time again" His voice shakes and I feel my heart crack in two all over again.

"No, Cas, You don't" I try but he just sighs again. 

"I do though, don't pretend you wouldn't be better off without me! I hurt Sam when I broke the wall in his head. I hurt Claire when I took Jimmie as my vessel and I hurt you Dean... Hurting you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. What Naomi made me do. You should have seen how many times she made me kill you. How many times you begged for your life-" He hyperventilates.

"Cas!" I lean across and takes his hands causing him to look up at me.

"Cas, stop. You do what you think is right. Nobody can fault you for that."

"Yeah, We forgave you years ago." My brother chimes in with a smile. "Cas, please try and forgive yourself. I know it's hard but you will be okay" That just earns my brother with a half shrug. We stay silent for a few more minutes until I pluck up the courage to tell him what's been on my mind for ages.

"Do you want to be taken to a doctor? Like see if we can get you some anti-depressants or something" I start until my brother nudges me and gestures to the door. 

"Dean, do you really think he should be around more pills when he just tried to..." He whispers so Castiel doesn't hear us. 

"I'm not sure but shouldn't he decide?" I question. We go back to where we were sitting.

"I...I don't think medication would be a good idea... after all I..." he shudders and Sammy quickly cuts in

"Yeah, okay well it all depends on what you want to do"


End file.
